A Message from unemployment purgatory
It feels like it's been a long time since I decided to just write without a clear point in mind. I've been treating blog posts like formal essays because that's what I'm used to. Something I've been struggling with lately is finding my own identity outside of being a student. My path in life felt very clear until around my senior year of college, when I realized I didn't, in fact, want to spend the rest of my time on this Earth in academia.
It's been almost a year since I graduated. I still don't have a job, mostly because my anxiety and depression have been especially bad for the past year and it's hard for me to believe I deserve to advance myself. I'm struggling more than ever to make new friends now that there are no places I have to be. I say this not for pity but because I know there are people out there going through similar things; we're in this together, and we'll get out of it together. It just sucks so fucking much in the meantime.
I am constantly reminded of one of the last classes I took in undergrad. It was a philosophy seminar, and we talked a lot about how we come to know the world around us and how we come to know ourselves. I wish I remembered more from it. I don't think I could find answers, but I think I could find some comfort.
What I do remember is talking about the feeling of losing a key piece of your world. We understand things in relation to each other, and when one of the things in that web means something different, it changes everything around it. When the thing that changes meanings is yourself, you have a lot of cleaning up to do.
There are not many ways that I feel I can define myself at the moment. I would like to say that I'm an artist, but I don't make art very often anymore. I would also like to say that I'm a student, but I don't seek out new knowledge as much as I used to. I'm paralyzed by judgment--real, potential, and perceived.
I'm more and more sure that the solution to this is to go towards what fulfills me, rather than away from what I fear. It's hard to do that when I'm not sure what I want, but I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually.
P.S. - I wanted a change, so I'm experimenting with some new themes for my blog. I'll post the final iteration of my old theme soon!